Coughing out my lung and heart

My cough ain't that bad but i do wonder when do i really have the guts to cough out my heart and lungs. Why do i need to be so extreme in my thinking or actions all the time? I really need to learn to balance myself. Can i blame it on my personality trait? Maybe i will lose myself further if i am a different person than i am now! I know i will continue to grow and learn more about myself with time, i shouldn't rush myself when time is not there yet. I should constantly remind myself so. I shouldn't think so far when tomorrow is just 5 hours away.

Sometimes i do wonder if what ah bel said is right. Is my life somewhat lost because i have not found God? Please do not mistaken this sentence as my acceptance to the presence of God. I have not ignored those "subtle" clues since it was first brought up. The influence has been there since i am a 7 year-old girl when my religious primary school teacher brought me to numerous church gatherings, then in high school with mich somewhat telling me about Him, and i still have the birthday card from mich with a cartoon message about Him in my bedroom. My previous housemate is a pretty strict Christian but her influence probably kept me further away. Knowing isabel is probably the time when the message is louder as i was very confused for another short while last year. However, it's still not enough to persuade me to get to know Him. Now knowing qiqi, it's weird that she makes me truly wonder if He is real. She just shared so many moments in her life that do make my heart feels warm at times. Her faith is so strong that it feels sheltered. Recently yein on the other hand, surprised me by saying if everything falls apart in her life, maybe she will accept Him. In the past, there was never once that she will admit that it is ever possible. Even little jean is also preaching at me about Him.

Anyway, i have not felt his presence yet. Now, i know why it is important to have strong religious community around you. Otherwise, what do you do when you are lost? For now, i am reconsidering my priorities in life. I know that it will remain the same, at least for now.


(-_-)***...i wonder what i had wanted to write initially...i had deviated!

edit: ok, i am coughing, coughing and coughing...hate flu!!