Sigh....oscar again....

The past few days had been kinda terrible....just don't know why i am missing oscar so much...i felt that with his death, i am losing something in me...i start to think about things in some other way, in angles that are not happening. I am 'teased' much easily (not sure how to explain this)......i know i got out from the bereavement that mimic depression well last May. But i am not fully regaining myself as in i am still not standing confidently (my mind wonders around too much, thinking of too many stupid possibility...like losing this soon, that might not work well).....if not because of my friends here and Yuko, i think i probably end up in a psych ward now (mind you...i am doing psychiatry now, so i am more sensitive to all the definitions than usual!!!). I think i might need some help....cognitive behavioural therapy??? I don't know....i just know that slightly more than a year ago, Oscar was in front of me letting me capture his mischievious acts as much as i like....but now, i don't know where he had gone! It might have been better that if i had stayed at Seremban. I don't know, i am just confused and still blaming myself all the time. I still feel that if i am there to give him love and support, he wouldn't had succcumbed to the door of heaven this soon. I know it perfectly well how much my attention is needed for his well-being....it's just my fault (or is it really my fault?) for not being there when he needed it.