The thunderous advice

My housemates and I had dinner with Dr.Lui today. He asked me out initially to treat me in return to my curry chicken dinner that I prepared during our on-call day. I got my housemates along as well. This supper treat turned out to be another heart-to-heart sharing conversation on our feelings being at a place far from home, being at a place where we do not feel belong to.

I actually feel very much close to him, I should explain this feelings further....it's like knowing someone who shares similar experience. Although I only got to now him like 3 weeks ago, he seems like a natural mentor to me, someone who understands me more than my own parents! However, this mentor seems to know/plotting my downfall as he had and is still going through the path that I chose to take. Leaving home to him/to me and my housemates or generally to Asians who are close to their roots, to a place where is supposed to be greener, can be something regretful. When I told him that I actually hated the fact that I left Malaysia, hence I can no longer be a naive girl who will accept what's given as this made me wanting something better and yet feeling that home is still the best place regardless of its deficiency. He answered me by saying that he is feeling the same now that he had achieved what he thought he can achieve by going to Canada. This feelings made us feel that we belong to nowhere! Even though he had reside in Canada for 30 odd years, he still doesn't feel that this country is his true home. How sad can that be?

Second issue that is not helping my current dilemma is my ambitious mind. Wanting to be a female surgeon can only complicate my wish to set up a perfect family. However, I can neither stop, reverse, nor make turns anymore as my strong-headed mind is not going to be satisfied until I hit the rock-bottom. I seriously had once wanted to go into veterinarian but surgery made me love medicine once more. And this time, it's love. Not only simple interest but I do think I found my lifelong commitment. I know i can't be sure as there are plenty of examples that show me that they aren't happy/glad when they reach certain stage although they were once in my shoe right now due to other predictable factors. You see, i said predictable factors, but people like me ain't going to listen!

Thirdly, as much as i wish to go to Newfoundland, meaning wanting to go into general surgery, even if it's not Newfoundland, it can be any other small town somewhere in the USA or UK or Oz, I really wish to set up a neat family. I somehow think that i will not be happy if i don't find a companion who can speak cantonese. I enjoy speaking cantonese, to be able to go home and speaking cantonese is the only true way that i can truly feel comfortable and at home. What's the odd of meeting someone that i desire in a small town of white's country? This third factor will actually helps me feeling less miserable if I failed to get matched this wednesday as it's no fun staying in a small town for the next 6 years!

This Dr.Lui is "terrible" (in my accent!!). He just brings out all the true reality that we have to face in the near future. He seems to be a god-sent messenger. I told him that who knows if I'll be someone who's going to make history different from all the examples that he knew of. Sounds pretty impossible, but if I am to believe him, it's going to be 100%, now at least maybe only about 99% that his prediction will be true! Why on earth did I set my mind to leave Malaysia in the first place!!!!???

Wonder how many people actually understand people like us who are living lives like nomad? They always tell us that this is a golden opportunity but now, i am truly doubting it. Going away from home for a year or two is fun but things become complicated if it stretches longer.

I am fine, and nothing you are going to say will make me feel better as things have gone this far, it's like a point of no return but I just wish to let you know that things are not always greener at other side of the world and I have accepted my choice (but with a bit more whinning!). At least, i hope that you wouldn't tell me things like, you should feel lucky or ???? because I will never feel that way unless I manage to create a fairytale myself! That is left to be seen.