Blank piece of paper

March 6,2006

I wonder how my self-protective system is going to work this time. I left this piece of news isolated at one end that I don't even want to think about it what more to look forward to carry out my plans that are now no longer to even able to exist.

My mind is pretty much tired now. I didn't plan in advance the extremely busy work schedule to make myself occupied. Somehow, I was "arranged" to be so so so busy when I have-to-hear-the-news that I can no longer tease or hug my Louie. The past week had been exhausting. I chose not to picture anything or allow myself to feel sad by just working or filled with plans. It did work to certain extent, I am not sure if it's pathological but at least this bereavement is a particularly contained one.

I am afraid that I'll fall into the same "grief". However, like what I was telling everyone, I have much lesser formation time with Louie compared to Oscar. But I just never expect to-not-be-greeted by another being that I have close bonding with. It does feel "a bit" eerie that I have to face sorrow everytime before my supposed-to-be-happy trip back home.

Louie, I have nothing but happy memories left. Your loyalty, your mischievousness and at the same time, your obedience have now made me feel apologetic that I can't be your master for the second half of your life. rest in peace, my son.

(-_-)