Time for reflections!

I don't know why i am waking up at ungodly hours for the past few days but i am in the mood of blogging now! Year 2004 ig going to leave us in countable hours.

For a quick summary, my life has been pretty monotonous, i am still following the path that i have chosen long time ago. I can't believe year 204 actually gave me both most agonizing and enchanting moments in my life.

The loss of Oscar is still haunting me till today. Again, i would stress that the torment of loosing someone who's really close to you is unbearable. I almost faltered in that challenge. Thanks to somebody for i have not lost my sanity and still continuing my journey. I was a totally different person during my grieving period. Depression is no fun! I will never belittle the word "depress' anymore. Just hoping that i'd learnt a great deal from it and gotten stronger. However, Oscar will never leave me for as long as i am still me. He's never been far from my thoughts.

Enchanting moments....it's even hard for me to lift my spirits immediately after thinking about Oscar!! But i got to say that the Japan trip tops it all. Needless to explain further, or else you'll be bored to death, I just wish to shout.... Nihon ga aishiteru!

I believe i'd changed a lot this year especially after living abroad almost 351 days (spent 2 weeks in Msia! ^ ^ ) I am not sure if i have lost some of my best traits -i.e, if i am still the innocent girl back then. I am not sure if i have lost my humbleness, if it's good to have an increasingly obsessiveness over things (meaning things are easily getting on my nerves now!) and if i am still a buddhist in someway.

There's a question that i have been pondering for a while. Can someone fake their "nice-ness" if they have been told that they are nice for as long as they could remember? Should i f***king care if this is only one remote remark compared to the hundreds that i've gotten? Maybe because she's someone who have always reached my soul for every word that she said. I think i try to hard to please her till i lost myself at those times. For my new year resolution, i shall stop being someone i don't like and i will not fucking care............sigh, that's not me! This new year resolution will never be achived! I have lived my life making people feeling comfortable around me, i shouldn't stop doing it as i still think it's best to be nice to be people than to be selfish!

And there's one other point for discussion, if someone is not that someone now but then decided to change, isn't she allowed to do so even if she had not been that someone before? If she's not allowed to, then why prison exists? Cause then there's no need for rehabilitation.

Ok....one glaring stupid habit that i'd gotten in the year 2004 is none other than having the f-word close to me. I shall stop that and revert back to SWEET!!!Sweet that, this is a sweeter way of swearing!

Results wise...i know i can't run away from my academic reflections, things are still going fine but sheez...i got to work harder in this blossoming new year. But my internet addiction isn't doing me any good for year 2004. Wonder if there's something like naltrexone for heroine, opiods or alcholism addiction..... coz i need something for my internetism!!!

Not sure when the end of the world will hit us after the worst natural disaster just happened a few days ago, i would have been drown by the same wave if i have made a trip back home and a trip to Penang engrossing in delicious delicacy at the sandy beach area. A blessing in disguise, don't you agree? Things afar and unrelated can actually hit us if we are destined to be on that end of the road. For this i wish to take this opportunity to tell you people { my family members and my lovely friends } that i love you all to bits and never once i truly intended in wanting to hurt/make you angry. If i ever done so during my irrational moments, i wish to apologise sincerely.

Oh well, my finalised new year resolution for year 2005 is to be humble and less biatchy! and definitely less procrastinating.

Toast to year 2004 for another year has passed, we are older for another year, hopefully we gained more than what we lost and hopefully we are wiser for that was another year of learning (*suffering*). Cheers to year 2005, Happy New Year! =)

Funny!

Was just scrolling past my previous post in the month of December! I notice that i "sighed" at least once in every post! This is not a good sign isn't it??? Probably my average emotions in the month of December has been none other than "sigh"!!! hehehe!

The tragedy of the Year

It's really saddening to see that the figures of the tsunami victims rising, faster than i could ever imagine , everytime i wake up from my sleep. Although it's just numbers, it's poignant. I was being an arrogant shit earlier when i claimed that this is the way mother nature keeps the population checked. My heart aches deeply everytime i see those disastrous pictures or when i reach that the toll is climbing like nobody's business. It is claiming far too many lives now. The post-tragedy diseases will haunt the affected areas for quite a while after the direct-effect of tsunami subsided. Really hope that every able person will do their part in the relief effort. -_:

Here's one of the link. http://www.ifrc.org/helpnow/donate/donate_response.asp

It is during this time when i read stories of people losing their family members that i start missing my beloved ones deeply. Sigh.....i just don't have that much time to travel home. It's not pure excuse, i am reaching a state where i am unable to differentiate whether my future is more important than catching up with my dear family members and friends. My residency planning is making me breathless at times when all the stress are mounting like hell. I can't foresee where my future lies at this moment. I really feel like drifting away with the tsunami waves.

My last tour in the year of 2004

Went to LA, Las vegas and Grand Canyon. I have to say that my favourite place among those that i have just mention is none other than Grand Canyon! It's a place where there can be no duplication! It's really grand, i have to admit! The beauty of nature always awe me more than anything (when everything fails). I will definitely go back there at 12-3pm just to prove that my digi cam functions well!! No lah, i am going back there to enjoy the infinity sight of mysterious rock formation!

I didn't really like the USA like what i would have imagined. It's a really big country that everything seems afar from each other. I now realised that i love to travel to places where i can walk as in things are arranged in close proximity. LA in my eyes, i would like to stress again, in my eyes!!!, is only nice if you have all the money in the world. Who wouldnt like living in Beverly Hills, shop in Beverly Hills, dine in Beverly Hills????? But a lot of people simply just don't earn that much to live life extravagantly! The hierachy between the rich and poor is pretty obvious when you drive past Beverly Hills. How on earth some people can be that loaded and propertied!!!

Santa Monica was a nice place to go in exchange for a FULL attendance Disneyland! It has a beautiful beach and i witnessed a lovely sunset there! The seafood was excellent!

I know i am really spoilt at such tender age but i can't help it. I am just one of the lucky ones who get to travel to so many places even before my teenage ended! If only i wasn't pampered expecially during my lovely Japan trip, i wouldn't know how to make comparison between what is good and better!!!!

The name Disneyland itself is good enough to excite me after my TDL trip. However, there's just something that is missing during this Disneyland, CA. Is it the amusement park itself or my company? I really don't know! I have to admit i had a high expectation this time around. Not that i have not been warned that this Disneyland at Ca is also less superior to the one in Florida, but i really did hope that i will get to enjoyed it to the fullest! Overall, this Disneyland trip turned out to be like any other amusement park trip. It's missing the Disney spark! I wasn't turned into a child this time! However, the ride on the Splash Mountain that i missed in TDL was kind of a thriller! The Haunted Mansion was different thanks to the xmas deco. But the Cinderella castle, i think this is the main problem! It's not "grand" enough to be one! Somehow i think it feels like a small building@!!@ And Americans, obesity rate will only continue to grow as there are just too much of pop and fatty food served!!! One out of 3 adults that i saw in my trip has "abnormal" BMI! (But it might be normal for the americans :P ) I know what my heart tells now but it's better left unsaid.

Las Vegas, it's not that marvelous after all. Those casinos and hotels should have been built closer!!! If only they put the lights attractions closer to each other, i think every single visitor will be amazed by that. The visitors volume is pretty disappointing at this time of the year. The casino is as good as empty!

It's funny that i start to complain about my stay in Ramada Inn. It's really funny i would say. Who wouldn't complain if one has lived in a 6-star lodge! I really did try to say less. Believe for once, if you've never did!

Overall, it was a good trip. It's always nice to travel with close friends. If not because of them, i wouldn't go to LA though! I would have chosen to spend my time hibernating with my Step 1 book!!!

My inspiration

Called Pn Mimie today. It's really nice to be able to chat with her again. She's the only teacher that i can actually treat like a friend. I am not sure if i've mentioned that she was my first and foremost inspiration for what i am doing now. Do you believe it? It was all because of her unfulfilled wish in medicine that stem my interest in this field. Still remember that she used to tell me her medical student life and it somehow infused into me at that time. At that time, she was my science teacher, i never believe i could achieve what i's achieved until she came into SSG. To be a doctor to fulfill her ambition is actually one of the reason why i am still walking this path. Though this thought had left me for a while but it's back! Weird enough but talking to the root actually makes me feel energized at that moment. It reminded me again that i am not only doing this for myself but also for someone really special.

She actually told me how i used to worry about Oscar. At that time, i think i just had Oscar, when he's not eating or eating even an ounce lesser, i would be nuts and babysit him till he get his nutrients-of-the-day. The cheese that my dad bought in Switzerland was among his diet. I used to wake up early in the morning to prepare his breakfast; just to make sure that he gets his 3-meal a day routine. He really trained me in a way. Sigh...........

You know what i want to do now?

I want to leave medicine for good......the stress is too much to bear most of the time......why why why? I dont know why i am here in north america where the system is so much tougher and brutal compared to the UK......

I really wanted to go to UK at one point of my life...but now i just want to go somewhere to do thigns that i really enjoy and less stressful...i wish to learn japanese, stay in japan and look after dogs...sounds totally opposite from what i am doing now right?

I think i am really sombre now but there's nothing much i can do to run away from this mood except continue reading my stuff....from my blog, i can really see how boring and uneventful my life is......

Insecurity

I think i seriously need to find someone now......i think i've already reach a stage where friends are not enough...i need someone to witness every step of my life and share everything about me..i am feeling really tired having to go through what i am going through now alone! Recently, i felt that my lab supervisor had some feelings toward me....he didnt tell me directly but i could sense.....the problem is he's an Indian. That alone is enough to kill of any further progress. Sigh...twice that i found someone who's nice and good but there's just something that is missing. Yosuke has been a really good friend but i seriously dont think anything can go any further than that as the language barrier is too much to omit. I guess i'll just have to keep waiting for the one.....