Dropping off

If things are not working the way i thought it will be, i should not hold on to it; especially when it is not needed. Maybe it is time to change the plan or let it go.


(-_-)***it will not be easy

Maybe not!

There i thought i would be better off hibernating but the visit of two friends warmed my heart immediately and i decided not to stay away from people! It may just cause more troubles! Ok, again, i do feel fortunate to have such friends!


(-_-)***....drinking ginger tea now! =)

What animal do in the extremely cold winter?

...hibernating! That's what i feel like doing now! I think becoming dormant will be good for me.


(-_-)***.....cough...

Coughing out my lung and heart

My cough ain't that bad but i do wonder when do i really have the guts to cough out my heart and lungs. Why do i need to be so extreme in my thinking or actions all the time? I really need to learn to balance myself. Can i blame it on my personality trait? Maybe i will lose myself further if i am a different person than i am now! I know i will continue to grow and learn more about myself with time, i shouldn't rush myself when time is not there yet. I should constantly remind myself so. I shouldn't think so far when tomorrow is just 5 hours away.

Sometimes i do wonder if what ah bel said is right. Is my life somewhat lost because i have not found God? Please do not mistaken this sentence as my acceptance to the presence of God. I have not ignored those "subtle" clues since it was first brought up. The influence has been there since i am a 7 year-old girl when my religious primary school teacher brought me to numerous church gatherings, then in high school with mich somewhat telling me about Him, and i still have the birthday card from mich with a cartoon message about Him in my bedroom. My previous housemate is a pretty strict Christian but her influence probably kept me further away. Knowing isabel is probably the time when the message is louder as i was very confused for another short while last year. However, it's still not enough to persuade me to get to know Him. Now knowing qiqi, it's weird that she makes me truly wonder if He is real. She just shared so many moments in her life that do make my heart feels warm at times. Her faith is so strong that it feels sheltered. Recently yein on the other hand, surprised me by saying if everything falls apart in her life, maybe she will accept Him. In the past, there was never once that she will admit that it is ever possible. Even little jean is also preaching at me about Him.

Anyway, i have not felt his presence yet. Now, i know why it is important to have strong religious community around you. Otherwise, what do you do when you are lost? For now, i am reconsidering my priorities in life. I know that it will remain the same, at least for now.


(-_-)***...i wonder what i had wanted to write initially...i had deviated!

edit: ok, i am coughing, coughing and coughing...hate flu!!

Reflection

Time for another end of the year...well, i guess it's a little late, it is the start of the year reflection time!

This is the first year (as far as i can remember) where i did not start a year giving myself specific new year resolution. I really do think i am happy and mostly content with what i have achieved right now. Of course my list of wanted things is getting longer each year but i know they are not my essentials, so it is great if i get them, otherwise, i can live without them.

For this year 2009, the most important thing that i should do is to keep up with my work and personal obligations. I need to continue to work hard ensuring that my current role and responsibilities are met, better if they can be exceeded.

Everyday, i ask myself if i am capable to accomplish what's in my mind. I ask myself if i have what it takes to achieve what i wish to achieve. I question my ability almost every time my brain allows me to think or reflect on myself. However, time after time, i have so many people who have much more belief in myself than i have on my own, that i should not doubt myself so much. I appreciate the faith that all of you have in me. Simple answer such as "dont worry too much, you can do it la", helps you know!?? Even my mentor, he almost always manage to reply my mail when i needed to hear or read those words. Yesterday, he asked me: "What did Yoda tell Luke Skywalker?"...the answer is "The force is with you"...He is just so supportive.

I can also feel that i am controlling my frustration a bit better too. There is no point in showing frustration to other people as it only serves to ruin yourself. This is the part where i felt i failed myself a lot over the last year. I should be more composed and quiet when met with problems. However, new year means new beginning; Yesterday i was extremely upset and affected by certain people at work but i managed to control my emotions pretty well. "pat on your back"...good job! You are half a step closer now.

Other than that, i decided to dedicate this year resolution to my friends and family. First one is to yein, i will continue to pray and hope that you will be gifted with a healthy lovely baby soon. Second is to ah bel, hoping that you will continue to sail through your pregnancy and we will soon meet baby CJ. Thirdly, to qiqi, a rather-sillyish-at-times friend, whom i am growing to love more and more everyday, hoping that she will continue to grow stronger and able to give love to everybody that she cares. And lastly, to everyone, hope that your wish(s) will come true. =). Well, it just feels weird not to write mich and ry's name onto my wishlist...mich, hope that you will find a job that you truly enjoy and love; and ry, hope that you will grow prettier and continue to stay healthy.


(-_-)***happy new year!

Hope

My dear friend in NY called me. At the beginning of the chat, i treated it as a usual new year greeting call as i was trying to wish her happy new year on the eve. She was asleep then.

As the chat deepened, i was appalled with the piece of news that was conveyed to me. She has been hoping to get pregnant for the past one year. Her life story has been fairy tale. It is as good as it can get. I have to stress again that i know she has sacrificed a lot to achieved what she has right now. It's unfair not to mention this. Anyway, she has a good husband and a bright career path; for the past one year, all she has been wishing for is having a baby but has not been successful. Now she has met another obstacle. She is diagnosed with atypical polycystic ovarian syndrome which results in increase infertility rate. My heart really broken into pieces, literally. I have not felt this sad for a while. I did not know how to respond, except quietly and softly calling her name. I was trying hard to control my tears that were starting to flow. Girl, i love you so much. I can only pray for you.

I hope this is another obstacle that will make you stronger. You have had so many of these in the past and you have passed them in flying colors. I believe that this will be just another stumbling block for both you and ren to conquer. I have absolute faith that i will see the beautiful smile in you again.


(-_-)***hope

year 2009...

I am just back from toronto yesterday. It was a great trip visiting Ah bel, sean and cj! I felt i had good rest after 5 days of eating, shopping and more sleep than usual. I certainly feel that i had a good rest. The toronto outlet mall got me into a shopping craze for a moment. It was great fun buying my favorite brand. I also had lots of chinese food.

...sigh..actually my mood is affected with another piece of news that i received today. Will write about it in a separate post.


(-_-)*** life is full of ups and downs