Inner self vs outer self

This is the results of that quiz:

Your inner self is intelligent, ambitious and determined. You know exactly how people see you and tend to want to impress people.
Your outer self is logical, calm and tactful. You hide your failures and despise lots of people. However, you have to realise that failure is part and parcel of life

I think it's pretty close to what i have thought about myself!!!!

Good day!

Got back from a sleepless OBGYN on call night...i was awake from 5am yesterday and i only got home at 7.30am the subsequent morning......crazy ya...more than 24 hours of no sleep but work.....but i kinda like it just frustrated that i couldnt answer all the surgeon/doctor questions.....how can i shine if i continue to give this below par performance (on my view!!!)??? Never mind....i got better things to tell....i booked my ticket to LA!!! if Yuko doesnt come visit me this winter, i shall go to LA Disneyland!!!!! Today was snowing heavily, i guess it's about 20cm snow but lucklily it's not too cold outside...i think in the afternoon was just about -7C.....sigh....still got to go to my lab for the second time today....praying hard, keeping fingers crossed that they will survive!!!!

Spoil Brat!!!

Am i a spoil brat??? A really good question. Maybe with the reason that i came from a family where i took charge of my brother and sister and most of the housework, i became very self-centred....i only want to do whatever in my mind thinking that it's the best for everyone. Because of this, over the period of time, i became more and more of an individualist. I will only be satisfied if people is to do what's in my mind....but i do try to accomodate other people's thoughts in certain situation as in in university's group work or anything that require teamwork......last week, i just hope that i could have one of my slot to be changed to an elective period so that i have more time to do the clinical specialty that i wanted but i was denied the chance simply because it's 'occupied'/reserved for my fellow canadians students (long story!!!!)Not that i want to whine about it and kept thinking that it's unfair but it's obviously not catering everybody's needs anyway!!!).......i know that they might need it more but what makes them think that i need it less.....you guys told me that everything is important and yet at this time when i think that i needed it most, i am coached to think that it's not that important after all.....i just dont get it.....you think that i have never gone through any obtacles just because you've never seen me failing exams here. But you never know that i'd fallen down many times (even though those might seems like ants business to you) and i'd tried hard to rise again to my current state. From my failure to obtain straight As in SPM to my dismayed performance in STPM to the roller-coaster results during IMU had me gone into endless of deep thoughts (confusion, demoralised and self-discovery) wondering if I am who I think I am. All these while, Oscar had been my only true soul-supporter. Loosing him ( the worst thing was- me not witnessing it) was by itself a real test of my mental strength. What more now.....scoring at least 90 is almost nearing impossible for me to achieve in USMLE, i still have to go on thinking that i can do it for the sake of my interest - Surgery!! And my fruitless research (everytime when my cells died, i am loosing THE thing in me to continue doing it -not only it's time-consuming, it's about MY 100% effort going into the drain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This alone is making me stressing up like nobody's business). You'll never understand my dilemma because you've never tried your best to do so, you are too occupied with too many other things. Although you told me that your advice is for the sake of my well-being, it's not tailored for me simply because you never know who i really am! I dont know when will it comes the day of me stop whining to you, my dear diary, but i know that i need to write it all out or else i will burst even before i realise it!!!! Can i stop everything i am doing now and go home and just become an electrical appliances salesgirl??? Dream on........i am just too ambitious and egoistic to follow that thought!!! I will strive hard for my ultimate goal!!!! Thank goodness that i am no longer in depression or else i would have c***** suicide!!!! 'Choi'...hehehe in (catch it in cantonese!!!!)

Shall We Dance??

Just watch this movie few hours ago. It was a delightful and funny movie but i think the characters in there were somewhat of a misfit lack of development. There's not much chemistry that i can gather from there.....it doesn't really make sense to me why John finds it embarassing or hard to tell the wife that he's unhappy....the reason he gave was he didnt want her to be unhappy but being away from home every Wed nite will spark the suspicion of his wife....it's just a pure lame excuse they are giving in the film i think (that it wont happen in real life!!), there's just lacking of sense in this movie, only Richard Gere can pull through it with his 'grin' (in which every women can die for.....)....nevertheless, it was a light-hearted movie. It really makes me feel like learning dancing...i wanted to learn eons ago but i just didnt have the time...i hope next year i can make some time out.......oh ya, there was one part of the movie that caught my attention.....finding a partner in life is to find someone to witness your life....a good point to think about.

Friends

Sigh...i really dont know how much the word 'friend' weighs in other people's heart. But trust me, if i ever tell you that you are my friend, i give you my word that i'll give my best whenever you need it. However, i know there are times that i cant even help myself, what more 'you'!!?? What triggers this puzzling topic in me now was when my dear friend had two 'surprised' encounters just now with her so-called best friends that made her starting to doubt the importance of friendship (when all these while, her faith in it is already not that strong compared to mine). She discovered that one is getting married without informing her the confirmed date when i witnessed that there was a period of time when she happily announced that she'll be attending her best friend wedding although she'll be very busy! Then the second incident is when another b-friend complained that it's an arduous task to send back her oversize bday gift for an exchange when this friend of mine went through all the troubles to buy and send it to this friend of hers...something that she normally wouldnt do. I know that even meticulous stuff will be important in judging something like this!! i am getting sleepy.. ...ok...i actually slept....hehehe....meticulous, i mean there things that people might belittle them sometimes when it might means a lot to other people...that's why i'll try not to break any promise if i ever made them!!!......when she started to question how many 'friends' of hers will help her with all their heart and also financially when needed, i already knew the answer if i ever have any query over that. The answer is i'll have plenty-at least two handful, i am really lucky to have met people like that....hm...i'll prove to her that such 'friend' still exist.......do you know that sometimes during my day-dreaming, i have some stupid thoughts?......one of them was i'd told myself- if i ever win lottery, certain friends will actually have a little share over it......i know you'll dispute that i am saying this because i havent win any...but i seriously thought about it!!! Whether it happens or not, we will have to see if i am going to be a millionaire in the future but by that time, they might not need it anymore....finally, i like to end this post by saying that....to me 'best friend is like sister that i never have'.

Found this!

Found a piece of poem that i wrote for Oscar sometime ago....just feel like posting it here...

Oscar

When you look into my eyes with your pure eyes, you touch my soul and when you swag your tail and hit my leg with it, it really touches my heart.

When you lie next to me, it’s so heart-warming. At that very moment, I learn the word comfortable and peace.

When you are asleep, your lovely face soothes my feelings, melt my heart.

When you are barking and running, you are full of energy, it gives me life and inspiration.

When I am sad, you are the first one to sense it and your ‘smile’ and even licking at times cheer me up. Your presence close to me kills of my fear of being alone. I know I’ll never be alone with you awaiting me everyday to give you a nice pat.

When I am happy, you are even happier than me!

When I am angry, you become the funniest clown in the world to make me laugh (ironically, I forget about my anger!).

With you following me everywhere I go (offering me your paw), it taught me the word loyalty that can’t stand alone without devotion. I am as devoted to you as how much you were to me.

I know you’ll always be there for me anytime I need you, as always…. With you, I am like a superwoman, without you, I am only another tiny creature on earth.

All your antics will always be remembered and missed deeply.

You are indeed the pearl of my heart, priceless and irreplaceable.

Yummyyyyy...

Just ate my fav duck flavoured instant noodles (plus egg!!!)!!! It tastes so good!!! As i was eating by myself, i can actually see that eating alone is definitely not something nice.....loneliness is creeping through me now...maybe because of all the stress that are accumulating again.....do i really want to become a surgeon?? It's such a competitive field....not sure if i can score high enough in USMLE to make me succeed in getting a place in surgery residency!!!! Again, unlike some, i dont have 'the' connections needed...sigh...

Perseverance

I never know this word could mean this much.....i am really sad now, half of my cells lifted from the culture plate. My experiment isnt going that well. It's not going as well as i hope. It really take so much to become a successful scientist. I really salute all the noble prize winners for their effort in making their dream comes true. Wonder when i can have my abtract publish.........

Near miss...

After a small tantrum-throwing incident, i decided to walk and take public transport home rather than being driven home....dont know how a simple kiddo 'behaviour-problem' can be blown out to this 'higher' magnitude.....stupid me, even if i choose to wander in the streets at midnight, i should have been smarter to get a pair of glasses together than really wandering aimlessly/blindly around downtown. Mind you, i am not used to travelling in public transport as yein always drive me around. Luckily saw the train passing and figured the direction to go. While in the train, an indian, quite handsome-looking guy was the only passenger in the same carriage, obviously i smiled to him but i didnt know this would have made him 'advanced'......i started to feel the danger...didnt want to call my housemates because we've literally just had a 'fight'...so started calling Bik, my supervisor as i know the station that i'll stop soon is none other than on a quiet street. This stranger kept on asking me questions and sat nearer to me.....my heart was pumping faster than i'd imagine....than luckily he went off on the last station where our Calgary transit provides free-ride (for one particular stretch of trail).....i breathed heavily knowing it was kinda a false alarm! Reaching my destination, i was further relieved upon seeing that the bus is nearing my station. I reached home safely.

Future partner ideology

She's again in my thoughts in the past few days...probaly the lack of news from her for the past month. I took the initiative to write to her as my housemate kept on bugging me about my xmas holidays while i kept giving excuse that Yuko has yet make up her mind. Ultimately, i still hope that Yuko will make her way here or else i will not be wayward in calling up the travel agent to get my ticket to LA- Disneyland..... =) Then what a surprise i got from her...she told me she's dating someone tonight....he's a newly divorced black american. The fact that Yuko is telling me the details of this guy and her exclamation about this date: that she's not sure what happened to her in making her to decide to go ahead with it, makes me wonder....is it pure love or out of fun?...however it is...i still hope that she will find spark if it is ever meant to be. The reason i pull up this topic today is because the words: divorced black caught my attention immediately....when i was young, i never think that i will be involved with anyone who's married or was involved in a marriage before.....however, i think i've grown out of that....not that i am saying that i'll be attracted to a married man, i am still against those actions...but going out with a divorcee is definitely not something impossible now...first....eligible good man is not a lot out there, what more, eligible smart good man.....i am not setting any higher goals in searching for my future husband but i think in terms of scioeconomic accomplishment, he should match my current level...coz it's pretty unlikely that i'll be charmed by someone whom i think is shallow in thinking. My cousin told me that no girl would like to have a boyfriend who's not up to their level but if i kept on to be choosy (when i think i am not!), i really got to open my eyes wide. Black.....i am not sure if this is what you call racisim...but since young i am not inclined to inter-racial marriage.....with all these issues in me, i think it's really hard to get into a relationship easily, a perfect reason to why i am still companionless.....

Life is a suffering

I have always agree that life is a suffering....i mean you 'suffer' to get everything you want. You 'suffer' after a happy episode (i.e....there's always seperation time for all the happiness events that you are going through...to have to give an end to it, is indeed a suffering!). I am now suffering.....i have to decide what kind of a doctor that i would like to be when i dont even know! Sigh...was told to make sure i know what i want to be from the day one i know Jenicca but i never took her advice to heart. That's why i am facing all these troubles...should have gone and do more shadowing....it's my fault....sigh.