A day filled with joy

I have finally gotten what I have been hoping for since last year. Though it's not quite there but nothing is perfect. I am feeling blissful with the results. And most importantly, i can feel that my confidence is brewing strong! =)

I still remember clearly the first day I told myself that I want to be a surgeon. I do believe I can do it, it's just a matter of time. Knowing myself very well, I can't settle for second best if I know what's best! To be honest, I would have been terribly disappointed if I wasn't matched. Not that it's the end of my dream but the match to me is indirectly a reflection of my "market value". I can only imagine myself doubting my capability. However, luckily things didn't turn out that way.

Thank you for answering my prayers. Thank you for showing me endless omen that had allowed me to reach this stage of my life. Although there were some cold sweats here and there, I am so glad that, along my journey, I was given the chance to meet with fantastic people who have lighted up my life and given me endless inspiration. I know this is only the begining of another adventure but I am really satisfied with what I have achieved today.


***( ^ ^)***

The thunderous advice

My housemates and I had dinner with Dr.Lui today. He asked me out initially to treat me in return to my curry chicken dinner that I prepared during our on-call day. I got my housemates along as well. This supper treat turned out to be another heart-to-heart sharing conversation on our feelings being at a place far from home, being at a place where we do not feel belong to.

I actually feel very much close to him, I should explain this feelings further....it's like knowing someone who shares similar experience. Although I only got to now him like 3 weeks ago, he seems like a natural mentor to me, someone who understands me more than my own parents! However, this mentor seems to know/plotting my downfall as he had and is still going through the path that I chose to take. Leaving home to him/to me and my housemates or generally to Asians who are close to their roots, to a place where is supposed to be greener, can be something regretful. When I told him that I actually hated the fact that I left Malaysia, hence I can no longer be a naive girl who will accept what's given as this made me wanting something better and yet feeling that home is still the best place regardless of its deficiency. He answered me by saying that he is feeling the same now that he had achieved what he thought he can achieve by going to Canada. This feelings made us feel that we belong to nowhere! Even though he had reside in Canada for 30 odd years, he still doesn't feel that this country is his true home. How sad can that be?

Second issue that is not helping my current dilemma is my ambitious mind. Wanting to be a female surgeon can only complicate my wish to set up a perfect family. However, I can neither stop, reverse, nor make turns anymore as my strong-headed mind is not going to be satisfied until I hit the rock-bottom. I seriously had once wanted to go into veterinarian but surgery made me love medicine once more. And this time, it's love. Not only simple interest but I do think I found my lifelong commitment. I know i can't be sure as there are plenty of examples that show me that they aren't happy/glad when they reach certain stage although they were once in my shoe right now due to other predictable factors. You see, i said predictable factors, but people like me ain't going to listen!

Thirdly, as much as i wish to go to Newfoundland, meaning wanting to go into general surgery, even if it's not Newfoundland, it can be any other small town somewhere in the USA or UK or Oz, I really wish to set up a neat family. I somehow think that i will not be happy if i don't find a companion who can speak cantonese. I enjoy speaking cantonese, to be able to go home and speaking cantonese is the only true way that i can truly feel comfortable and at home. What's the odd of meeting someone that i desire in a small town of white's country? This third factor will actually helps me feeling less miserable if I failed to get matched this wednesday as it's no fun staying in a small town for the next 6 years!

This Dr.Lui is "terrible" (in my accent!!). He just brings out all the true reality that we have to face in the near future. He seems to be a god-sent messenger. I told him that who knows if I'll be someone who's going to make history different from all the examples that he knew of. Sounds pretty impossible, but if I am to believe him, it's going to be 100%, now at least maybe only about 99% that his prediction will be true! Why on earth did I set my mind to leave Malaysia in the first place!!!!???

Wonder how many people actually understand people like us who are living lives like nomad? They always tell us that this is a golden opportunity but now, i am truly doubting it. Going away from home for a year or two is fun but things become complicated if it stretches longer.

I am fine, and nothing you are going to say will make me feel better as things have gone this far, it's like a point of no return but I just wish to let you know that things are not always greener at other side of the world and I have accepted my choice (but with a bit more whinning!). At least, i hope that you wouldn't tell me things like, you should feel lucky or ???? because I will never feel that way unless I manage to create a fairytale myself! That is left to be seen.

Another life lesson

People.....i need to talk.

Last 2 weeks had been a weird but rather meaningful for me. I had 2 weeks of surgical attachments where i learned lots about surgery and life.

This preceptor of mine, a chinese middle-aged surgeon, is a funny guy. He likes to joke with his patients, a typical "cina-ah-pek" but a smart one! lol!! He kept on reminding me how difficult it is to maintain a family as a papa surgeon, what more a mama surgeon. It did send chills to my spine after listening to stories and stuff but i felt that it's harder for me to leave it for something else. I don't know why i like surgery so much now. It's just as simple as I enjoy being a "surgeon" among other things!

During my 2 weeks, I got to do loads. I operated, I rounded on patients alone, I managed a lot of things and I was also tired but I was feeling joyous. Now i understand why people can be workaholic, they probably unconsciously enjoying the satisfaction that their job offers or merely just for the sake of perfection.

I went into the rotation feeling challenged; i worked diligently, i gave my best ,hence, i conquered my evaluation. However, now i am feeling more inadequate knowing how much i should know to become a good surgeon. There's so much to read and learn. I do ponder how much personal time i will have when i am really stuck in this profession. This kind of thoughts has been running wild in my brain for the last 2 weeks (thanks to him!). I weighed and weighed, I still don't know what's best.

Residency matching is still not done, i might not even get a placement. If i succeed, I'll be stuck at a place far from home and friends again. It does make me feel sick to the stomach as i have to admit that the last one year hasn't been the best in my life. What more another 6 years. As eerie as it sounds, I wonder if this new love of mine will be able to make me forget and part with those factors again for another short period of time. He gave me a life example. I was compared and matched to someone with similar ideas and passion. That girl ain't going through her life without difficulties but he did not know what's in my mind whenever he talks about her. I admire her courage as even with all the rough going, she's still standing there. Moreover, Sandy has been the one i am looking up to all the time.

Anyway, who knows what might happen if i have to start internship elsewhere, i do not know how much the fire in me can continue to burn.

My first

I was thinking about the date that I created a small piece of history in my life leading to this delay posting!

My first skin-to-skin surgery was completed on Feb 7......it's a right segmental mastectomy of a fibroadenoma. I think it's fitting that it's a breast surgery, on an Asian patient (sounds racist here but I prefer to begin with a population that I am dear to!!!) and also on this auspicious and special date. The reasons are - I had assisted in quite a number of breast surgery, I probably know more about breast surgery than other surgical problems at this moment and lastly, I realised that it's my friend's BIRTHDAY! This made it easier for me to remember but indirectly, it also means that I have to remember her birthday at the same time :P! The operation went well. My surgeon was just merely looking and then scrutinized my work to only give me a thumbs up for my job! That really made my day!

It was certainly a wonderful feeling to be given such a task at my level of training. It shows how much my surgeon believe in me and that itself is something worth cherishing. I had been doing lots of hands-on over my 2 weeks elective with this surgeon that I've heard a lot but never dare to work with initially. He had a fierce sounding reputation of being demanding and critical but I guess nothing is impossible! And, trust me that being able to be in charge at the operating table is such a wonderful feeling!

Oh....since this post should be 3-day post my friend birthday....it's only right that I include a Happy Belated Birthday wish! I had wanted to blog my brithday note to her here but I somehow posted it in her friendster page!