Road to discovery

Dang it.....was done with my blog today but due to tech prob, it's all gone...wonder if i could still churn out the exacts words that i wrote just now!
No matter how much i would like to leave it on one far corner of my brain, it'll always be there. The pressing matter is back banging on my door again for the past few days but my emotions was better controlled without any obvious breakdown! phew....thank goodness or else i think i better check myself into the foot right across the road! (note: the foot is an acronym for Foothills Hospital, my main teaching hospital!) hehehe.....
I have been dissecting the root of my problems and i sort of have an answer to it. The reason why i am trying to distance myself from my housemates is because after Oscar's death, i see a glaring weakness in me. I doubt that i could afford to loose another close soul (this time gonna be one up-2!!) of mine after Oscar's incident. Although it's still 2 seasons away but the acute change will be too much to bear and it'll only add on to my series of calamity. sigh....even after reading 'One Child' that again reinforce that i should enjoy to the max of what i have now but i know i am not that strong compared to those unfortunate children whose soul is as tough as a gladiator. Not sure if i have always been like this or......

Oatmeal cookies

Baking my second round of cookies today.....had my first few days ago baking chocolate cookies, i didnt like it that much but my lab mates chewed em' all.....leaving bits and bites...today i decided to try oatmeal cookies. Oh! It turns out great!!! I love it myself! Baking vs cooking. Why i prefer cooking to baking???It's either because i dont own a sweet tooth or simply because i am afraid in gaining those extra pounds. I found that cooking actually gives me a better sense of achievement especially when skills is needed to cook something.

Mood:Confuse

hm....today i was told that my attitude is becoming perplex and unreasonable (easily irritable) since the stress has mounted on me. My housemates told me that upon discussion, they noticed that i am enclosing myself in my room recently with more 'depression-like attacks'....and they never thought there's a need for counsellor requisition until i brought up that matter. I doubt they really notice that much change in me until i triggered it with that question. There're probably a hell lots of difference in me now compared to the chirpy and carefree Sze Ling....i just dont have the homogenous amount of calories to keep up to that level...am i getting older or simply bogged down by stress? Yein was telling me that his future dad-in law told her about the difference between a medical student and student of other stream. It's the stress that they encounter as a med student that 'force' them to mature beyond their age compared to their peers of different profession. I guess that's what made a doctor, 'doctor'!!

Oh...i am reading a book called 'One Child' by Torey Hayden....half way through but i strongly recommend it to anyone....those who care about disturbed child....i dont think she's a really good writer but it's a good book that reflects well on the development of a disturbed child. It was deeply moving. I think if Torey would have depict or elaborate more on certain points, this would have made her a best-seller!!!! Or was it because she only took 8 days to complete this book that she missed out on certain things that she should've included?? Looking forward to reading another book of hers after another exam!!!

Mood:boring

Hm...wondering why i gave such a stupid suggestion: asking my friend to photocopy stuff while i am waiting for her to be done.....i am wasting my time here but nvm, it's me and my silly personality that makes me " ME "!!!!

Went out shopping at a place that i never thought would have been renovated to an extent that now it's an upgraded shopping mall....hehehe....lots of goodies...just that money is never enough, i am not sure when did i become a shopaholic! Even though i am spending within my limits but i could have save more! "There is treasure to be desired and oil in the dwelling of the wise; but a foolish man spendth it up". I am definitely not a frugal person all in all i am not a spendthrift!!

Mood:Relax

Didnt know that i would fell asleep right after my last blog! The party was a blast!...heck lots of fun.....we were slapping each other with the blue cream that i chosed for the cake (the cake was indeed unique, not bcoz it was designed by me but it wasnt the normal flat cake, it had a little elevation where you could see it's surface without needing to look from the top of the cake!!!) But the results of our childishness, we were stained blue, from our face to teeth to clothes and also our carpet....what a mess... :P

Done with my exam...werent satisfied at all at the process even though it's bound for good grades....could have done better but didnt, nvm...another one is gonna be here in the blink of an eye!!!

Yein again proved to be the right person to talk to all the time.....i kinda accepted the fact that my labile emotion is caused by the stress that i am facing everyday....maybe it's always better when it's told by someone who had the same experience....i was naive in thinking i would be able to handle it well...we'll see how i adapt to it then!

p/s: happy to receive a card from michelle! She's always someone whom i am always thinking of when my breathing is not controlled by my cerebellum [not sure how often is that though :) hehehe!!!!]

Happy Birthday Yein!

That's the letters sticked on my bay window now...polystyrene alphabet letters decorated with beautiful fake flowers!!!!!

Feeling tired now after 2 days of sleep deprivation nights....exams frenzzy and the party's preparation. Things did flow pretty wel for the 'surprise' partyl...and luckily we manage to settle everthing with least suspicion.........cont tomorrow!! my eyes are shutting down!! zzz....

Michelle

She being the first reader of 'my little diary'....initially i was contemplating whether to tell her my blog address as i was postulating the fact that i might not be writing as freely as i used to be but alas, i decided to give it to her. Simply because this is a blog, anyone can read it and perceive the way they wanted.

I am again not concentrating with my exam preparation again. Just not in right mindset. I am actually planning for TY's birthday. It's my turn to show her what a surprise party could be....this time, it's gonna be a flower 'theme'. Sad that summer is ending and fall is drawing near but we'll still plant the potted plants at our front lawn. Keeping my finger crossed that she'll nowhere be at home on Wednesday afternoon....if not, it'll mess up my mighty plan!! Me too is excited with my creation....i actually drew a cake picture....a blue one....never seen one like that before...hopefully it'll turn out great or else my CAD 70 will be flush into the drain!!!

Will update you more on wednesday!

jeff

Today was jeff's funeral......a huge turn out, suprisingly...not sure if it was because he had touched so many people's life or they came just simply because the hype ....not sure how much they knew him. Do i want to see people who doesnt know me in my funeral???

The past few days...has been a lot of confusion thinking in me....i really think i have hypersleeping disorder....feeling tired pretty quick in me...and i have internet addiction...adding to my personal confusion of my life......still figuring out a lot of things at this moment...

I know that i have wanting to set my routine straight....i have been trying to distance myself from my housemate simply because i need to do more studies....however at time also because i felt the need to get use to the fact that they wont be around me for long....i know i am very dependent...i can be one....or i should say i am one....though from the outside, i seems strong but i will be in a terrible state without my close friends.....loosing oscar has made me more vulnerable.......i havent had a day where i dont doubt myself.....i dont know, i am still very sored with his departure. Am i having MDE?

RIP Jeff

I didnt know this guy in a way that i would hope to be. He is a fine guy. Still remember that he was in my intergrative last spring. I found him as a outspoken and a nice Canadian. Even though he wasnt instantly nice to me but i could sense that there a guy who will speak his heart out. It's is fair for someone who's going to be a fine doctor in the future?. Or i should ask, what is consider fair.....making sure that people who die in accident is a criminal?? My heart cries for him.
I can never understand how yuko can be that similar in terms of thinking as i do and how close she is becoming to me. She seems to be the one that i really want to talk to all the time. When i told her how i felt, she could just narrate it with hers so well that i really find it perculiar.....i was asking her if people around me is hard-fated because last yr was hui ling's death then it's oscar and now jeff....but yuko seems to have the same amount of 'bad events=death' as well from her grandpa to john to task and her neighbour.....weird....is it normal then??
I will definitely treasure my life and going to enjoy it as much as possible!

Downer

I have not been feeling upbeat recently.....i truly understands the meaning of life is a suffering....to achieve something (esp extraordinary), one would have to give in unlimited energy.....i am not sure if i am up to it.....it's just so not me...i seriously wondering if whatever i am doing now is worth it...not sure what will happen when i reflect this down the road...maybe 3 years later!!!??

Sun Tze's theory

Today, read a mail about Sun Tze's theory.....comical but i came to realise something that i know all the time....i shouldn't keep on thinking about past or planning to much for the future. Instead, i should just concentrate on my current affairs....without success of current work, nothing will be materialised in the future. I knew this long time ago....but my mind is still bogged by the death of oscar and also those good times...i know i should get going or else i'll be slow in everything i had planned!!! Sze Ling....time to really wake up!!!!!!

Sigh....oscar again....

The past few days had been kinda terrible....just don't know why i am missing oscar so much...i felt that with his death, i am losing something in me...i start to think about things in some other way, in angles that are not happening. I am 'teased' much easily (not sure how to explain this)......i know i got out from the bereavement that mimic depression well last May. But i am not fully regaining myself as in i am still not standing confidently (my mind wonders around too much, thinking of too many stupid possibility...like losing this soon, that might not work well).....if not because of my friends here and Yuko, i think i probably end up in a psych ward now (mind you...i am doing psychiatry now, so i am more sensitive to all the definitions than usual!!!). I think i might need some help....cognitive behavioural therapy??? I don't know....i just know that slightly more than a year ago, Oscar was in front of me letting me capture his mischievious acts as much as i like....but now, i don't know where he had gone! It might have been better that if i had stayed at Seremban. I don't know, i am just confused and still blaming myself all the time. I still feel that if i am there to give him love and support, he wouldn't had succcumbed to the door of heaven this soon. I know it perfectly well how much my attention is needed for his well-being....it's just my fault (or is it really my fault?) for not being there when he needed it.

China vs Japan

In the midst of reading the news of Japan's win over China in Asia Cup final......a controversial finals....it sparked the anger and fume of the Chinese over Japan, more so the resentment that has been lingering the Chinese since WWII....i was pondering the same matter at one point when i met Yuko when she was in Malaysia and also this time in Japan, i was thinking how come i would like to know her who is a Japanese and also why i actually love Japan so much.....when i think back of Japan invasion to Malaysia and China (much to my dismay) where tons of my 'family members' could have died or suffered in consequence to that tragedy......however, i came to conclusion that i can't simply blind myself with that fact and not reach out for more. I should not stereotype one person because of the history that one had no control of....I,myself have always been someone who does not like to have a strong first impression of someone......with the simple reason that what i see in superficial might not be what in depth.

The truth is yuko is an individual who knows more about Japan's occupation during WWII than most Japanese....imagine if i got some other ignorant japanese as my friend, my friendship probably wouldn't have gone this deep....Moreover the current Japan is like any other country with its new generation begining to generate a whole new different image.

Malaysian leaders

Not sure when i finally able to accept the fact that Dr.M is not a true good man.....i had always given the excuse to myself that someone can corrupt if they are still doing good (because everyone corrupts...boooo!)....i told myself that even Dr.M was corrupting but in the end Malaysia is still prospering.....but i come to realise that i shouldn't let this kind of mentality to forgo my stand that it's only black or white.....the rule that i had reminded myself over and over again in doing things......not sure why i was defending Dr.M all these while.....was it because he's a doctor.....i wasnt sure if i am right for that i once called him my idol......now i just realise that he' no better than any of those shitty rulers just that he's with a little bit more brain neurons connection. What made me think so now and not before because, even he had stepped down as a PM (a post he held the same year i was born!), he is stil engaging in those dictator type of style trying to be the chairman of this or that.......i bet he had more than enough to feed himself even if he decided to live luxuriously as a tycoon.....his wealth will never drain as he probably F*******ly eat up a lot of taxpayer money.....can't he just shut his mouth and stupid ego and just 'rest' at home......somehow, i now started to feel ashame when anyone mentions that he's my great ex-PM.....i feel like puking...........

Where are you?

I realised i really missing Oscar a lot. I can't seem to let him go away from my mind. Thinking back at my conversation with Yuko that night, i wouldn't have thought that i could meet someone who actually had the similar bitter experience.......she never tell me a lot of any sad story about her....the only few times that i can recall now were John, Tas and her grandpa's death....it seems that she'll only let it out if there's someone/ something who's utterly close or important to her or else, she would keep it to herself emotionally. Again, 'thank god' again for answering my prayer....i really know that i found 'the penpal' that i'd wished for from the first day i decided to write!

It's the photo that i pasted on my new DIY photo album.....i recalled exactly the moment i took that pic with Oscar, it is still so unreal that he left me......Aug 5.....today is a year and 4 days since the last time i saw him......my heart still ache so much that whenever i think of him, my tears bud will just loose it's inhibition......how unfair it is that he is not living any longer......i don't know when it will be the day that i can really accept that he no longer alive.....he's still very much in my heart.....i still ponder at the i did not get to see him off............sigh....