In reply to mich's blog!

I figure that i got quite a bit to write in my comment that i should just blog my thoughts about it!! But i think i'll dwell away from your topic as i add in my thoughts!

Hm...some important dates to us are of course important but to some other it's just another day. I don't boast having lots of frens but i know that deep down if i ever need help, i can easily name a handful of people. I am already grateful for that!

I can understand the feeling where one is wondering where her friends have gone when she thinks this is the moment that she hopes to share with them. For my convocation, i have never thought of seeing anyone there except my own family members. The reason is due to the fact that i've already witnessed that it's not even easy for someone to take off to attend her own bestfriend wedding!!!! To me, it'll only be teribbly disappointing if i don't see any of my supposedly close friends there for my wedding! (hehe...i don't intend to be a spinster!) In return, i promised myself that i will try my very best to make myself available on the very same day my friend is celebrating the joy of her life!

Not everyone whom we thought is our laughing partner is destined to be our friend. I have learned that special chemistry is needed to keep a true friendship alive. If there's ever the special chemistry spark between two people, the hydrogen bond will be turned into an ionic or a covalent bond! Those bonding will be so strong that both of them will never be far away from each other thoughts although they are miles apart. To me those people are sisters i never have. How can your sister be a stranger to you then?? I maybe naive but i believe my friends are as naive as i do! Su told me that if my problem involves others financial interest, then i'll only be able to truly count my friend(s) and acquaintances. I answered that those handful of people that i am thinking now will all be my friends.

Even myself, i can be nice to everyone but i can't be available to the same amout of people all the time. The fact that we only have 24 hours a day, it's already a limit to our wilful mind! What more if we have nothing in our bank account. That's reality. However, there are people that i know i'll never be able able to say "no" in whatever situation!

However, if you ever think that you are alone......don't only think of me, at least send me an e-mail so that the bonding will be recharged! Coz sometimes the chemistry concoction can go wrong as we can't read each other mind although our minds do think alike at times! Am i contradicting myself here!!!?? :P

Yano Maki

I am totally crazy about this girl's voice now!! It has been sometime since i last got bewitched by a song! Then it was Allison Krause's "When you said nothing at all". Now i am spellbound by Yano's "Yakyoku". There's just something about this piece of ballad that makes me feels completely relaxing. It's like being in a state of complete solitude at the moment when it's only you and the song. I can't wait to get hold on all of her work!

Found the translation of the song ^ ^ !!

夜曲 (yakyoku)
(nocturne)

nagai nagai tabi no hate ni
boku wa kono kishibe ni yatte kita
doko ni mukai nagareteru no?
me no mae no kawa yo
At the end of the long journey, I came to the shore
Where is the river in front of me flowing to?

mukau basho mo miushinatte
na noni naze boku wa ikiteru no?
toikaketemo kono keshiki wa
nani mo kotaenai
Although I lose sight of the opposite place, why am I alive?
Even if I ask, the scenery has no answers

kie wa shinai ano hi no itami
ima mo kikoeru kimi no kotoba ga
The pain from that time doesn't diappear
Even now, I can hear your words

* naite naite naite
doushite hito wa omoi ga afurederu no?
ikiru mono subete no namida no ame ga
yagate kawa ni nari daichi wo kyou mo nagareteru
I cry & cry & cry; why do people's emotions flow out?
The rain of tears of the living finally become the rain
& today it also flows to the earth

hitotsu hitotsu kagayakidasu
akaneiro no sora no hoshitachi
haruka tooku furusato ni wa
ima mo boku ga iru
The stars in the red sky begin to shine one by one
Even now, I am far away in my hometown

eien nado dare mo motomezu
mijikasugiru toki wo ikiteru
No one searches for eternity,
they just live a life that's too short

naite naite naite
doushite hito wa konna ni yowai no darou?
subete no kanashimi ya yorokobi tachi ga
yagate kawa ni nari sekai wo kyou mo nagareteru
I cry & cry & cry; I wonder why people are so weak
All of the sadness, all of the happiness
finally becomes a river & it's flowing to the earth today too

yoru e kaeru umidori-tachi yo
boku no kodoku mo hakonde okure
The seagulls that return to the night;
please carry my loneliness away too

* repeat
Romaji & English translation by: cori

Love or fling?

Just now, a friend confided that she's no longer in a relationship. She met this guy back in NY and got hooked after a week of knowing each other. However as time flies (about 2 months), he started to sense the need for commitment, something that has been keeping him in bachelorhood, making him resorted to just utter : "let's just be friend". Sighhy...she's now torn between the affections of she has towards him and the dignity of a girl. She's deeply hurt now. Is there such thing as fairness in this issue? I suppose there's no right or wrong, but a matter of compatibility. Moreover, they are from two different world, one is a guy grew up in a complicated metropolitan city and is used to the term "one night stand" while another is a girl who is still inoccent and gullible. (sounds familiar~)

I don't know what i should do, first for i being inexperience, second for there's nothing that i can do but just be beside her and remind her to be strong. She who used to be a crybaby said she has been trying to act fine for the past week and try not to cry about it as she wishes to show that she's tough at the same time. Does that mean that less crying is strong and therefore more crying is weak? I always think that crying can help one to release a lot of tension! At least for me! -_"

Actually, deep down, i know i have been really choosy.....not to say choosy, i am still searching for the right one. However, i know i did not give myself chance to meet people for the past 2 years. Wonder if i'll stumble into someone like hers. Anyway, i shall put this matter aside again.....all for that 4 letter words! :P...B**k! I have been through a lot of different kind of stressors but a hell love trap as a young adult, no, not yet!

note: at this moment i do feel to write to him but no, i dont think i should! hehehe..wondering who's that person? ^ ^ ....no not gonna tell :P

Bran muffin

The only type of muffin that i'll be delighted to eat is bran muffin. Although it's main ingredient is oat bran, that little brown muffin also contains lots and lots of sugar! So, if it's not yummy, please stay away or it will only cause me to use my restricted daily calorie allowance for not so noble cause!!! :P :P The one i had just now was such a treat!....it was crusty on the outside and yet it's so fluffy-ly soft in the inside......with raisin bits as well....hehehe....now that is something really palatable!

I was chatting with my housemates and brought up the topic that i was fed with good food since young as my dad will never compromise in spending less for food! How unbecoming my glossa is becoming!!! heeheh....i know that it can't help itself as it has been pampered since young! =)

note: glossa is a term for the tongue! :P

Student life

Student life definitely has its good and bad points, its high and low climax......like what my dear miss pang said.....you can have long holidays! Not sure if she remembers that my longest break currently is only 2 weeks. Anyway, my main concern today is not about holidays...it's about the distress of going through endless examz. The agony of waiting for the results. I am still praying hard for my GI results that will be released anytime soon. I had a nightmare yesterday on me failing the exam....it left me feeling unease the whole day!....please....just a couple more....a couple more then i can finally close chapter on something.....i seriously can't wait for clerkship to begin and then get my MD...something that i have been working on for a long time that it started feeling like forever!

(-_-) **

I think i am in love.....

I am intoxicated with the word Japan......anything about japan -any word on things in japan, japanese, any japanese word, just about anything that is linked to japan will make me feeling exited like a little kiddo! I know i sounded crazy but that is exactly what i am feeling right now!......

I wonder if i should ever go back to Japan sometimes. I am afraid that i'll loose that feelings. I am not sure if going back for the second time will ruin the "phantom in my mind" on it. It's so hard to explain...not like it has never existed but i do wonder if it was a dream coz it was such a perfect vacation. Never be surprised if i ever gonna tell you that i am landing and residing in the land of rising sun forever! ;) (*cracking head hard* --> wonder if one can ever stay in the permanent state of euphoria....illusion that is!)

What was the factor that created all this? Do you think it has got anything to do with my past life? I can't find any better reason than that!

note: it used to be the UK that i fancy and adore......but somehow the frustration of not being able to further my studies there when everything reaches its climax quashed that feelings completely i guess! But i still rank this country second after japan to my likeness! Third would be Canada....!! aiks....still sore over the fact that i can't go snowboarding this season....i miss the fluffy snow and the amazing Rocky mountain scenery......

Cold???

I am seriously thinking that it's either the Calgary weather meteorological sensor has gone haywire or it's my own hypothalamus that isn't functioning well!!!! I was out today with a really thin baby tee with an extra outer layer of Billabong fleece. That's all....2-piece and i felt that it was just nice- I wasn't feeling chilly as well! And guess what? The temperature reading at that time was actually 0C to -2C!!!! Maybe the -45C days had change my perception of cold! Most probably I will be sweating in Genting Highlands. Thinking back, my jeans was drenched with sweat right after i stepped out from the air-conditioned KLIA! Therefore, i did not wear any of my jeans during my one month Asia trip! That's when skirts came into picture! :)

Ironic

Do people always contradict theirselves? Sometimes i know that i shouldn't stick to my opinion so much because i can see myself contradicting myself in the future when i put myself into the shoe of those people whom i see contradicting themselves! I should always leave space for people to express themselves more. However, sometimes i just couldn't stand the naivety of certain people....so when they gave stupid ideas, i have the tendency to just shove it aside. Sounds mean and authoritative but i am just another type A personality people! heheehhehe.

And........oh...today i made another remark that i know i shouldn't and i shouldnt be this type of person as well. I said, i am extremely polite to people who's polite to me and act the opposite if i am treated badly. I beg to be given a choice to turn the clock back to that moment...i hope to be polite all the time so that even the meanest people will feel bad that they are being rude and unkind! I shall make this diary of mine a place to write down my bad points and then reflect on how to change it. Ambitious i guess......coz no one can change their personality overnight!

Blanked

Waking up early in the morning as usual to start my routine. However, I was much more awaken than usual. Checking e-mail seems to be my second nature after waking up (addicted!! ). Was e-mail messaging with Yuko before i slept and waking up seeing two more mails from her. The first one was the usual update on her daily fun and foolish activities. While the second one left me blanked for a little while. She wrote that she was involved in an accident with her sis as the road was too slippery -the car spun a couple of times before hitting the pile of snow at the side of the opposite lane. They left unhurt but she thought she was gonna die during those seconds.....pretty traumatising!

Phew...thank goodness nothing happen to her ....i wouldnt want to think otherwise. Loosing another close soul will be unthinkable. She is one of the few people on earth that will always be in my prayer for longevity with unlimited dose of happiness! Please take care of yourself people! Here i pray again for good health and all the joy in the world for everyone! Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!

note: wonder if this has got anything to do with "fan tai sui".....as her sis is born in the year of rooster as well!!!

Temple

I visited 2 temples today after feeling really confused and box-up. After a meeting with an administrator in my uni that can't help me in anyway and yet brushed me aside made me fuming mad! I know i should've control my temper. Although i didn't show it to her, i'd let myself ignited the fire in me.

Going to temples (i chose to go to both of them because they are near to each other and i haven't been to any of them before. My first temple visit in Calgary!) gave me the serenity that i am familiar with. I like visiting temples because of that. It also gave me the chance to "meditate".....having my thoughts back about my beliefs in buddhism and its ideology. It did help me to calm down and hopefully set me back on track. I decided to put everything away and concentrate only in my studies now. I shouldn't let my mind run loose if i really want to achieve my goal. Ok, that's what i am going to do.

Oh ya...and one last thing.....mich...you always seems to make comments at the right time! ;)

I'll let time prove to me all my concerns!

New resolution!

I got myself another resolution for year 2006.....be really humble and don't ever overestimate my ability and importance. I am only a girl who's like everyone......trying to work towards her ambition, trying to reach certain status in the society. I shouldn't think highly of myself in any situation. No one in the world will be seriously affected with my absense ( though there might have been one little creature but it's no longer alive...so it's now back to zero!) I seriously don't know when did i start to emit an air arrogance. Though people might not sense it but i could feel it. Is this because of my high educational level?

Kokoro

Just finish reading that "book" (this is the first time I finish reading a book that was downloaded online! Though it was tiring, it was worthy the effort at last!) I read the English version translated by Edwin McClellan

Kokoro, by Natsume Soseki. Kokoro from what I read, literally means "heart" and translated as "heart of things" or "feelings". It's another book that touches me deeply. Although I wasn't moved by the "tragedy" that happened in the story but I believe it's because the feelings was lost in translation. However, it's still something worth reading and worthy a recommendation.

This book made me think of friendship, family relationship, and mindset of grown-up and also human feelings - love, self-serving, guilt, indecisiveness, insecurity and egoism. It's a book that translate one feelings in a very subtle way and yet it could be felt deeply.

We human in general tend to be selfish (ok, I don't wish to be over-generalized here! there are people who risk their life for others, for someone they don't even know), the slogan "service above self" probably can only happen when we are not really under extreme misery. I don't how I would act in those situations, I am probably not any better than any selfish chap out there! However, I do believe that I’ll never let anyone die before my eyes, I strongly believe that or else I wouldn't be doing what I am doing now. But what about issues concerning our daily life. Are we putting our own needs above everyone else?

Love, how much a relationship means to human? Should one still continue living with their supposedly other half even though they no longer trust each other or they no longer share the same philosophy of life like how they used to? I am not sure if they are doing so just because they still retain the feelings that got them together initially.

Friendship, I do believe this is important in choosing one other's half. Coz I believe that friends are those that will grow up with you and be with you no matter what. You might think that I am naive but friendship does have it utmost importance in me as long as you are who I called friend! Therefore, one's future half should be no other than one really good friend just so that he will be growing up with you and both of you will never grow out of each other. However (I am starting to contradict myself now), friends do grow out of each other. I had a few perfect examples. Sighyyy........relationship is such a hard thing to understand. All I know is that if we are never sincere to each other, our friendship will never last. I swear I tell the truth all the time whether it's going to be something unpleasant or not. If I am not doing so, if I am not being sincere all the time, I believe one day, you will not understand me anymore and finally grow out of me. I don't want to hear any flattering things about me if it's not what you are really thinking. (Note: please don’t be so Canadian, ok??) Please don't wear a mask in front of me. Why can't everyone live their life simple? Why is human created with all those feelings that I have stated above?? I appreciate every single moment when I could meet with friends that I need not pretend to be someone I am not. I don’t know why I am currently letting myself believing everyone is living with their mask on. Not that I have gone through any bad experience concerning that but I think I am getting more fragile in this issue and this made me less-sociable. It is because of stories that I heard that scared me even before I am able to experience it?

Guilt can ruin one life totally, I have to agree and that’s what happens to Sensei (in the book). It changed his life forever. Why one has to be so afraid of facing the music when you are also tormenting others when you are not telling what’s in you? Is it because of egoism?

Is this modern era creating more human with loneliness?? Is it true that all the new technology now makes people stick to themselves more and less socialising!???

Wonder, when can i get answers to all these!

Calling home....

The feeling of homesickness really brings out the loneliness in me i guess - my house is just too empty now without ty and su h. !!! I think i am wasting my holiday time...i can't concentrate studying, i can't do anything!!!!...should have join them in NY!!!! Who do i want to talk to now.....ok...i am planning to call my sis, my aunts and of course friends.....the friends list...let me see....michelle...i have been chatting with her thru msn every minute, so she's out.......yuko, but she's driving to Mie Pre now!!! so she's out too! i would like to call t. yin, chor, ry, and the list reaches w. lai....to tell you the truth.....among all the imu friends that i've met.....i think w. lai is the closest one that i've grown to (of course, there are also sophiya and suba but that is also because of our chain e-mails and frequent msn with sophiya)......however, time didn't permit our friendship to grow deeper i guess!

New Year is here but it's no where near my shadow

Weird enough i felt so empty on the eve of New Year. Maybe because of all the news on tsunami and so, the tsunami "effect" stricken me as well - i have to admit that i am homesick! Imagine playing with my 3 dogs at home even at the most boring hour would cheer me up. However, here, internet is my only companion at that particular moment. Next was letter writing. Felt so much better after composing a long hand written letter while waiting for my laptop to complete it's problem-scanning! Just don't feel like partying when close friends are not around. Meeting strangers and put up cheerful personality are not stuff that i want to do to celebrate new year. Hm....wonder if there's any soul who is like me now! Anyway, it's January 1, 2005 now!

New year...

Ok...new year is coming soon but i got no plans for anything, i am really bored!