Light of life

Mich, i am going through my midlife crisis. Still recall that it hit you strongly few months back. I really don't understand why we have to go through all these kind of stresses. Did we intentionally create the root of what we struggling with now so that we could grow stronger from it?

I really really misses oscar, without this companion of mine, i don't know how to release my stress evenly.

Now i am wondering why i am even alive? (no, there's no suicidal element in it!) But i seriously don't know why we are here? I don't know why i am working this hard all the time. I really don't know where i am heading to. Don't tell me that we are here for a reason.....that is yet unknown. Please enlighten me.

Pillar

Working really hard for the past one week had been a method for me to escape from all of my problems. I have no other way to deal with what i am going through now except to continue working hard.

The creepy feeling of emptiness is felt once in a while. So much for all the promises given, I realised that no other people will be there to help me to solve my problem other than myself. You probably learn about this much earlier than i do. Therefore, Sandy is so important at this point of my life. Even though she doesn't realise it but her endless words of encouragement and caring actions had been vital in the build up of confidence in me. She's like a mentor to me. Sometimes, you touch people's life even without realising it.

True love for surgery?

Success is measured with the amount of obstacle that you've been through.

I am enjoying every moment of surgery rotation now. But am i really liking it or it's just because i have good team members that gave me so so much encouragement?? I am being branded the best clerk, most hardworking, bla bla bla bla.......

I got to say that having Sandy (Dr.Widder) and Artan (Dr.Reso), my residents, helps me so much. Especially Sandy, i wouldnt trade working with her for anything. I am really enjoying every moment learning and working with her. She's such a fabulous lady that I can't help admiring. I made her my inspiration figure where i look up to when my strength starts to wand. I am not sure if it's fated or it's a "God"-sent that i meet her now. I see so much similarities between both of us and it really helps to see someone like this in this position.....it's as if seeing myself in that position in years to come. We got so much things in common, she's such a big baby, immature, fun lady woman...not sure how old she is and she's married too. Most importantly, she's being so real, you probably know that i have been finding it hard to meet someone like that in my hospital life now. She's probably the best resident i could ever have. So, having a figure like this really lift my spirits, her encouraging words will only spur me to work harder and going further for the unbelievable. With my current mood, i think i could write more than a page on how i would want to describe her to you. (Hm....both of us are big fans of dogs especially rottweiler!!! Without going further, can you feel how I am feeling now!!?) In her, i see the type of woman surgeon that i want to be. Someone who's funnily bitchy (but with real kind heart) when there's no patient around/when they are "asleep" but in extreme professionalism when i am dealing with one!

So, sometimes i do wonder if the reason why i am liking surgery so much now, is partly due to her presence. I would believe that if i have a terrible resident, i would not have as much energy as i am having now!

I am most probably going down to New York this July. Wish me luck that i can get something real good out from that!

Hate to go back

It's really bad having to go back to my old house alone. I went back today again and it's the same stupid feelings. My eyes just went teary again. Next week will probably be the last time i go back there again. My heart just aches a lot about this fact. It's really hard to let go and there's nothing that i can do to change this. It's just feels scary to get close to people again with the phobia of loosing them. I have to force myself to keep on believing in myself to bring myself up again with what i am going through right now.

One after another

I think that it's fated that i have my first obstacle soon after they left. Ok....i failed my US board exam. I am, of course deeply dissapointed, moreover, i missed it by one point. I am accepting it without being too sad about it. I don't know how to explain my current feelings but it's just feel weird. I am not going to judge myself if i am competent at this moment as i don't want to start blaming myself unneccessarily again. Anyway, i'll work out something. Failing one exam doesnt mean it's the end of the world. I still got plenty of alternatives as long as i have my MD next year!

Just now, i was back to my "old" house to deal with the carpet cleaning thingy. When i was there, being alone, everything just struck me. My tears came pouring immediately after reminiscing about those lovely moments with my ex-housemates. I felt that my life has become so empty in a short span of time. I really hope that i can get over it soon.

Final parting

Today marks the end of one of the best period of time in my life. Su left early in the morning while yein is now waiting at Vancouver airport for her connecting flight back to Malaysia.

We had talked about today endlessly for we do not know if we would want to see each other leaving. I have to admit that it's hard seeing them leaving one by one. Deep down, i dont know when i will actually meet them again.

Knowing them not only turned myself into a better person, it had also gave me a better idea of myself as a person.

I really have to say that i love them much more than friends. They showered me with endless love and care that i felt that staying with them is much more homely than my real home at times. We had gone through lots of joy and tough moments together that i am now unsure of how i would be able to handle those times when they are not around.

Su had been one magnificent friend. I have never met someone who's as accomodating as she is. I have never truly seen her looses temper on something. No matter how moody i was at certain days or throwing tantrums for no reason, she will stand by my side without fail and putting me above her interest. She might not know that i treasure more than what i even realised myself but it's really amazing to see what she could do as a friend.

Yein is a very special person. I have never met someone who's as determined as she is. She's awesome with organising anything that is just about anything. Having her as a friend can be pretty stressful at certain times because what she had achieved is pretty hard to emulate. However, she has been one inspiring figure to me. Having her "heading" 1424 was just terrific. What she did to foster the kind of friendship that we all shared made the experience of staying with them something memorable.

(-_-)

New house (yet again)

Trust me that i have gone much better since my last post ! ( mich, you did get to read that blog on time didnt ya, i decided that i shall just delete it....too much of gloominess aint good for this site! -_-" )

I am now staying at a new place. Finally got almost everything in my room set up except the bookshelve. Gonna take at least a month before i can finally transform my living room to a homely one. Too much "rubbish" piling up at one corner causing an unpleasant sight. I am determined to make this place as cozy as possible.

This is my third shelter since i first arrived here. Comparatively, i prefer the one before this if points are given for all the aspect of the house. However, i am actually more fond of my current room. Although it's smaller in size compared to the one before this, I actually had better furniture now to decorate it into a bedroom of my preference.

Anyway, that's all for now. Got to buck up and do some reading on orthopedics with the hope that there'll be no repeatition of my terrible performance during my last opthalmology clinic posting.